Sexy Like A Chicken by Leanne Sype

Advice from our relationship panel from our Feb. 5 meeting

Oh yes. As moms of preschoolers many of us have felt, at one time or another, about as sexy as the chicken we put in the oven for dinner! Of course with that image, let alone that feeling, it’s no surprise if the intimate closeness we feel with our significant others has died to a glowing ember from the burning flame it once was. Thanks to our Mentor Mom Panel who spoke to us on February 5, there is hope that fire will burn again.

From guidance on relationships between mothers and daughters, to thoughts about connecting with one child more than another, to advice about friendships, our Mentor Mom Panel offered an array of experiences, encouragement, and suggestions on several topics. But no topic sparked greater discussion than that of the relationship with our husbands! Specifically how to keep the romance and emotional connection alive in the midst of runny noses, potty training, and constant interruption of little ones needing attention.

In order to ignite romance you must first reconnect with your husband. Time must be set aside each day where you can sit face to face and check in with each other about the day. Beth Fisher recommended that this be done before the kids’ evening routines of bath and bedtime, otherwise the energy expended taking care of the kids leaves both parents too tired to connect. Try designating fifteen minutes of table talk after dinner while the children play or watch TV. Mary Jane Sawai and Barbara O’Malley both suggested simple physical affection, such as a shoulder rub or a good kiss—not the quick “drive by” kiss when you are in a hurry or busy— can really help initiate a closer connection. Also, bring flirting back into the relationship as advised by Karen Lewis. Flirt with each other while doing the dishes or making dinner or folding laundry. Adding some sense of humor to the every-day-ness can help reignite a connection too. Of course, sometimes it is hard to set aside time each day if schedules don’t line up or your husband is traveling. The solution is to put it on the calendar. And you will need more than few minutes here and there in the day to connect, so schedule in stretches of alone time.

There was a definite consensus among our panel that another important part of connection is to have understanding for your spouse. Jan Schmidt reminded us that guys have stressors outside of family life that they deal with everyday. It is easy to forget when he walks in the door that he too worked all day. Showing appreciation for what he does and expressing admiration of his talents is an integral part of keeping connected with him. Just picking up a little something he likes at the store or sending him a note during the day lets him know he’s appreciated. And that great kiss at the end of the day probably wouldn’t hurt either!

All this advice on reconnection should lead you into the romance you seek. But how can you feel romantic when physically you feel sexy like a chicken? Our mentor moms simply said to redefine sexy. Magazines and movies put extremely high and unrealistic expectations on what sexy looks like as well as what good mothering looks like, but our panel emphasized two important insights. First, nothing in real life is like the movies. Your husband married you for who you are and as long as you stay true to that, he will find you appealing. Second, most husbands find mothering attractive. When your husband witnesses you in the act of motherhood it attracts him. Just as you find your husband’s talents admirable and attractive, so does he find your skills and abilities in mothering.

Finally, “believe when your husband says your sexy!” says Joyce Mason. It’s easy not to believe him when you feel disheveled, but he really does find you sexy. And there is no need to always read books about how to be more intimate with your husband because, says Carol Stewart, “intimacy is unique to you and your husband. You can’t find it in a book.” The bottom line is to trust and have faith in what you and your husband share together. The romance and connection are still there, you just have to work a little harder to get to it. This is just one season you are living, and as Beth Fisher reminded us, this too shall pass. Your preschooler will be older before you know it, and it won’t be long before you start feeling sexy like a woman again!

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For some fun ideas on bringing romance back into the forefront Joyce Mason recommended The Husband Project by Kathi Lipp; she is a Christian author and national speaker. Visit her website at thehusbandproject.org