Leslie Hanscom, our guest speaker at our November 18th meeting, brought us some fantastic advice, wisdom, and insight into real-world mothering. Through Facebook, emails, and conversation, Leslie interviewed over 30 moms ranging in ages between mid-thirties to the 70’s. She talked with moms who had a range in number of children from one child on up to a mom who has 12 children. Leslie spoke with mothers who had biological children, step-children, and adopted children. With a variety of moms, including herself, Leslie got a variety of great information, through three basic questions, which she shared with us. We hope you find this information encouraging and enlightening as you continue on through the seasons of motherhood.
1) If you could go back, what would you do differently?
- “Take more time for myself.” There are 168 hours in the week and moms seem to feel guilty when they take any of that time for themselves. When we tend to the needs of everyone else in the family and everything else in the house, our tanks run dry and there are no reserves to parent well. Taking time to do something you enjoy recharges you and makes you a better mom and wife.
- “More date nights with my spouse.” Spending time together as husband and wife is so important for parenthood. The strength of a family rests of the strength of a marriage. Date nights help you and your partner recharge and connect. Along with this, Leslie stressed “Make time for intimacy. If you aren’t in the mood, get in the mood.” Sex is an important part of maintaining a strong connection with one another. In fact, it is a man’s way and need of emotionally connecting with his wife.
- “I would work less and strive less for perfection. I would spend more time with my kids.” There is no need to be perfect, you just need to be good enough. Play more, read more, listen more with and to your kids. Unscheduled time is the most precious because that is when you can give children “simple beginnings” and find the beauty the “everydayness” Allow more messes, let the children lead in some things like picking out their clothes (it’s okay if they want to wear cowboy boots and a polka dot shirt everyday). It’s about being present in the moment with your child.
2) Looking back, what wouldn’t you worry about? What did you worry about that turned out to be fruitless energy?
- “I wouldn’t worry about when my children meet certain milestones.” Use milestones as guidelines, but know that every child is unique in their development. Don’t compare your child(ren) with others’ because every child proceeds and develops through life at different speeds and just differently in general. Your child won’t have a binky in school or bring a blanket on the school bus or wear a diaper to college!
- “Don’t borrow worry from the future.” Kids are a lot more ready for next-in-life stages and life challenges they face than we tend to give them credit for. When they are in preschool, don’t worry about kindergarten they’ll be ready when the time comes. When they are in grade school, don’t worry about middle school, they’ll be ready. They will be just fine. And along with this idea, don’t worry about things like rare diseases, drug resistant germs and freakish household accidents!
3) What did you do right?
- “I found a family of faith.” A family of faith provides an opportunity for you and your child(ren) to be mentored by other christians. It is nearly, if not totally, impossible to have a strong marriage and raise children without a supportive community surrounding you.
- “I had friends who walked beside me.” Find peer friends, the kind of friends you can call at 2am. These are the friends you can laugh with, share perspective and be honest with. Honesty is so important and you need friends whom you can relate to at an honest level. Also, find friends who are many years ahead of you, who can mentor you, who can be honest with you, who you can look to for advice and wisdom because they’ve been there.
- “Have dinner together and ask each other ‘What was the part of your day’? It’s a great way to start conversations and come together. Make it a regular routine, not necessaries every day, but part of the routine to share a meal together.
- “We set boundaries.” This is about balancing out grace and mercy with accountability. Model judgement and mercy and use those terms. Communicate with your child what is expected of him/her and if he/she crosses the boundary illustrate when you are giving mercy : “I am not giving you what you deserve because you did something you weren’t supposed to, but I am showing you mercy and grace.” Also be sure to follow though with boundaries. Kids feel safe when they know how far they can go with their behavior before an older and wiser adult communicates the boundary. It’s also important to stay consistent with your boundaries rather than coming down hard one day for something and then not at all the next day for the same action. Make sure your actions match your words otherwise you may as well have never said anything!
- “Structured the environment for success rather an micro-managed with rules.” A great example of this: A mom got upset with her daughter when she was Facebooking in her bedroom. Instead of managing what your kids do or don’t do on the computer in their room, instead make a rule that the computer stays in a public area of the house and let the kids manage what they do on the computer. Structuring your environment for success means setting up guidelines and rules so that you are not constantly saying “Don’t do this. Don’t touch that.”
- “Recognizing that sibling squabbles are a dance where each knows their steps–don’t referee.” Don’t help them decide who is wrong and who is right. Give them the tools to help them work out conflict on their own. Communicate they they’ll both get a consequence if they can’t figure it out and watch how fast they work out the argument!
- “Discovering our children’s passions.” Be an observer of your child. Be a student of your child and see what their passions and gifts are because you may learn that they are completely different from your and everyone else’s. Sometimes the attributes and qualities you want your children to grow up with may not come from the activities you think they’ll need to develop those. In fact, they may develop those qualities through a completely different activity or outlet than you would ever think. So pay attention to what lights your children’s fire.
- “We admitted our mistakes.” You will and probably already failed in different areas, but admitting your mistakes and saying I’m sorry gives kids the language and the example of forgiveness.
- “We did well at keeping the world at bay.” Put and keep limits on what your child sees, reads, watches, hears, wears, plays with, and owns. Some things are just not age-appropriate and limiting them will probably not make you popular with your child, but it will keep them safe and protected from things that are too mature. It also keeps your messages about virtues, such kindness, goodness, self-control, and compassion, consistent with your actions. You may not be popular with other parents either and that will be hard!
- “I did a good job because I wasn’t their friend, I was their mom.” Your kids will have lots of friends in life, but they will only ever have one mom. You are the person your children look to for boundaries, admire, and who loves them unconditionally. You need to let comments like “I hate you. You aren’t my friend anymore” roll off your back. You can’t be their friend until they are about 25. Seriously!
Lake Grove MOPS 